Humor & Satire: Who is Karl Rove?

A celebrity or a public figure walking down the streets of New York is not uncommon.

But those of us who saw Karl Rove walking dogs on Houston Street took a double take and still could not believe it.

You might ask, who is Karl Rove?

For those who might not know, he is a Republican media guru specializing in negative slash-and-burn character assassinations of his political opponents.

As the celebrated media strategist of George W. Bush’s two successful presidential campaigns based on the principle of ends justify any actions – whether immoral or bordering on patently false – he had convinced himself that he can do nothing wrong. Who could blame him? After all, he had maligned a genuine Vietnam war hero, John Kerry, who was opposing Bush, and succeeded in putting doubts in the minds of many people about John’s well merited Purple Hearts.

When he joined the Republican nominee Mitt Romeny in opposing Obama for his  re-election, Karl Rove was exuding the confidence of an invincible savior of the Republican Party.

The defeat of Mitt Romney plunged Mr. Rove into a deep emotional crisis. It was hard to swallow the truth that his assessment and projections of Romney’s victory were delusional. After three years in therapy, he was ready to face the world again, just in time for Jeb Bush’s announcement of his presidential bid. But Karl Rove’s recovery did not last long. Donald Trump stole his thunder. In no time after spending and building Jeb’s multimillion campaign, Karl was halted as Jab withdrew.

Now some other kind of therapy was in order to quickly cure his depression relapse.

It had to be something radical.

Rove was at a loss, when he got a phone call from his old buddy, ex-white supremacist, and former president of South African de Klerk: “Accept the reality.I accepted Mandela, you accepted Obama. Now it is a different story. Trump is a Republican. I know it is hard. You need an alternative therapy, it did wonders for me.”

De Klerk recommended Dr. Merzolt Gumby. Dr. Gumby spent his youth roaming the Gobi Desert, convinced that the world took the wrong turn with modern medicine and all the answers to spiritual and physical rejuvenation were already there from before the Industrial Revolution started tearing apart the social fabric of our lives.

A native New Yorker, Dr. Gumby was for many years in private practice fixing the empty lives of celebrities, with multiple broken marriages, low self esteem, narcissistic personality disorders or delusional self-denial.

At his new clinic in SoHo, Dr. G combines the use of herbs and potions with singing dogs to bring back one’s confidence and restore mental chemical balance to healthy levels.

The ritual of singing is as old as the universe. Its stylized versions now in vogue, from the Gregorian chants and symphonic music, pop, rock, robbed it of its essential power. Dr. Gumby feels that animal sound still retains that. To make the raw power of a song more accessible, he has taken to training dogs to sing duets with humans. The total effect of these duets detoxifies the body and expels the mean spirits that irrationally make us hate with passion those we do not agree with.

For Karl it was a hard decision. To seek the treatment at Gumby’s clinic, he had to plunge into the ascetic world of papyrus sandals, hemp spun robes and a diet of herbs. Far, far away from the racy cars and wannabe socialites hurtling down the Texas highways. Karl started visiting all open mic venues in the city to sing duets with his partner outside on the sidewalks, as dogs are not allowed inside such public places. This news came as a breath of fresh air to all the struggling open mic music venues in New York. Perhaps, this could increase their sales and be the answer that will free them from bonded labor for predatory landlords seeking unheard-of rents for little Manhattan rat holes. They are frantically petitioning the city government of New York to allow dogs to come into their venues as accompanists to human singers. For now, they are happy that Karl is singing in front of their venues instead of Washington Square Park and bringing new clients.

There is a worrying development, though. The venue owners realize that the Democrats who run everything in New York would not allow Karl Rove’s dog to sing duets. What if he succeeds and becomes wildly popular? The city’s elected Democratic leadership is not about to commit suicide by allowing the cured color blind Republicans to run amok in their territory.

The Democrats are ready to block every move Karl makes to stay in New York. This is not a good omen. Frustrated, he can then head back to Texas. Deprived of the liberal nourishing air of New York, he could slide back into the negative mode of his mentor, the late Lee Atwater. In such a scenario, can ads calling Hillary all kinds of names be far behind?

Having no faith in the Democrats to help Karl Rove, the Association of Open Mic Venues has filed a discrimination petition with the city courts praying that Dr. Gumby’s singing dogs be granted an equal status as guide dogs for the blind. The petitioners contend that Dr. Gumby’s dogs are also showing the way to the blind – the delusionally blind.

So much depends on the courts’ decision.

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1 Comment

  1. Hector

    A valiant and funny piece that tries to give K Rove a semblance of dignity as a duet Open Mic singer, but his singing partner the dog left outside at the sidewalk, has a better chance of an honorable future than KR. The drawing is hilarious, and together with the satirical narrative, exposes an odious creature whose total contribution to what is good about the USA has been less then what those dogs crossing the streets are leaving behind.


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